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harlot's Journal

Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

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  2002.09.14  14.23


so last night i dreamt that:

i shot myself in the head but kept living.

i tried to marry my cousin (who isnt really my cousin) because everyone (but him) kept telling me he loved me. he showed up late to the pre-reception. he brought his girlfriend. he handed me some pearls and told me "good luck in your new marriage." i slapped him. i slapped his girlfriend. she slapped back. i slapped her again. i ran out of the reception hall. i came across this girl i knew in high school, sarah oldfield, walking a mini black poodle. i told her what happened. she went to give them all a piece of her mind.

it was very sad.

and i am very weird.



Mood: weird
 
 


 
  2002.09.04  10.52


So, last night i was Dommed for the first time. It was way-cool. I was feeling really depressed, and was talking to this guy i met thru the forums for that club i went to, and he asked what he could do to help. and i said i wanted company. and he came over. how sweet!

so. he came over and we started watching save the last dance, and cuddling. and about half way thru the movie he started kissing the back of my neck. and then we were making out. *le sigh* it was so great. and then he told me, while pinning my arms behind my head, that he wanted to dom me. and i said okay.

so. he bound my wrists, legs, and around my body, put nipple clamps on (ow), ball gag (really uncomfy), and a few vibrating things in lower regions, and got me off. a lot. but-sigh-no sex. which actually shows a lot of restraint on his part...

so anyway, it was really cool, and i really enjoyed myself. and he said he'd come over again...on a day where it wasnt 90 outside at 1am. *smiles*

*grinning* he smelled really good.



Mood: ecstatic
 
 


 
  2002.09.02  01.09


good god. still up. this may be a consequence of going out last night and staying up till quarter after 5. yup. im a freak. but FUCK i had so much fun last night at the fetish club-Dungeon. it only made me want to become more involved in my interest in bdsm. gawd! very cool, indeed. hey, so if anyone wants to go party with me next Sat. please please pm me. :D esp. if you have a car!! dude. very cool. man. wow.




and in other news, fuckin' a its humid as all hell tonight. christ alive and ill be damned.



Mood: hot
 
 


 
  2002.08.24  20.22


new icons!! YAY!

....that is all...

arent i fun?

 
 


 
  2002.08.16  19.42


So, i got the email back from charlie, basically saying, no he couldn't handle getting back together with me, he'd met someone else, he didnt want his emotions to get out of hand again like they did with me. *sniffles and bites lip* i miss him, but he's right. seriously, i dont deserve him. nor is he any good for me. and i dont mean it in a personal sense. he's no good for me because we're too alike. we're too schitzo to be together, i think. *sighs* things always work for the best, right? if you love someone set them free if they come back it was meant to be. right? yeah, so they say, but it still kills me. if i could have anyone, be with anyone, right now, i'd go to him. id pull him into my arms and hold him forever.

this grandma trip was a mistake. i should have stayed home. i should have gone apt. shopping. i should have done anything but come here. im too old for this shit. my grandmother is so annoying at times. every three seconds she's a) bickering with my grandpa, b) asking where someone is, or c) bitching.

last night i slept in a 4 person hotel room with 8 ppl stuffed into it, three of those 8 on the floor. *sighs* i really should have stayed home. i like home. i can be incredibly depressed there and no one will bother me. thats why i like living alone, you know. no one's around to piss the living shit out of me. i can just wallow until it fades away.

i didnt take my pill today.

possibly that is why i feel so crummy. but, seriously, i dont care if i do feel like shit. id like to have one day of shit, thank you very much. and id like everyone to just leave me be.

 
 


 
  2002.08.12  13.40


instead of Love in a time of Cholera, can we make it Cholera in a time of Love?

cuz...i feel that way. about charlie.




btw, sorry for being absent so long...i just had -nothing- to say.

 
 


 
  2002.06.30  14.14


YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!

i got another 4.0!!!!! i ACED English 2...despite doing only half of the homework. I GOT A FUCKIN A!!

I RULE!

*DANCES*

woohooo!!!



Mood: excited
 
 


 
  2002.06.28  14.42


i never post anymore. this probably has to do with having nothing to say, but ill give it a whirl.

my wellbutrin, the stuff ive been taking so i dont sound like a complete headcase, gives me the worst headaches, but overall, works pretty well, except for the last couple nights when i had some brief episdoes. overall--its all good.

i have to learn how to drive, if i want to take interesting classes next fall. this fall. whatever. so i am headed to the dmv next friday to take my test. yip....eee. the classes i want to attend include Math 20-Intermediate Algebra, which i dont want to attend, but have no choice...Music 55 or 59, both of them chorale classes, both of them at night, one day a week...Sociology 33 Sex Gender and Culture, which fills in for anthro 14 on sex and gender, which conflicts with the math 20 thing...womens studies 10, which runs till 5...and a drawing class, art 20a.

i wonder if i can pull off drawing. class registration begins july 8th. i dont have priority yet, so mine will probably be somewhere in the middle of july, rather than the beginning. oh well.

i have to write a paper for art 2. joi. 2 options: the getty's exhibition of illuminated manuscripts (show ends the 7th) or LACMA's permanent collections of early ren, gothic, and medieval work. hmmm.

ive become a cherry popsicle addict.



Mood: blah
 
 


 
  2002.06.24  21.37


Share
June 24, 2002

Open up before I come over there
Tell me whats wrong get it off
Break down and cry for me baby

Show me your secrets down there
Tell me the walls will come down
Break down and cry for me baby

Youre more than just a doll to me
Please let me give you some other name
Break down and cry for me baby



Mood: annoyed
 
 


 
  2002.06.19  22.07


i swear. i hate people. i should become a hermit. hell im fuckin half way there.

 
 


 
  2002.06.17  23.38


please let me stop crying. please just make it stop. im going crazy here. i just broke down and sliced my wrist 7 times. it didnt bleed as much as i wanted so there will probably be more later. im going insane here. i really am. i just want to stop crying. please just let me stop.



Mood: depressed
 
 


 
  2002.06.17  15.13


mmmmm application day. you know i love it. *grumbles*

so far ive decided to apply to U of Pitt in Pittsburgh, PA. one of my mother's many alumni. its in the city but also in the cultural district.

ive also decided to apply to Penn State, despite the fact that its a "half days drive" to local museums. ponder the local part. the application--the printable version, that is, is 8 pages long, as opposed to U of Pitt's double page web application.

i really want to go to u of pitt. i have extra options that i also want to apply to...ucsc and ucla being two of them and im not sure what else.

joy. more college.

 
 


 
  2002.06.16  22.15


hmmm. i really need to go out and get laid again. its that time of the month as of yesterday so i guess im a bit...horny. well more than a bit. but i really would like to get back out into the fucking scene. i wonder if julian is up for a visit?



Mood: horny
 
 


 
  2002.06.15  19.11


have headache the size of nuclear missle. still depressed...
cats making noise upstairs. which bothers me and pisses me off. just opened a journal for someone. didnt know about that code thing. good thing mr. anonymous bought me a journal for a month once. way cool for them.



Mood: exhausted
 
 


 
  2002.06.11  15.44


*ponders nipple piercings*

 
 


 
  2002.06.09  23.20


well im creeped out. some guy called me on friday, twice, while my phone was off, because i dont leave it on during the weekends. he didnt leave his name or his number, but said " hi, this is your secret admirer calling. guess you're not there. ill call back later." and then again, 4 hours later "im calling for the second time. pick up your phone."

these i get from some person whose voice i do not recognize, and it freaks me out because i do not recognize them. plus, there's no number. nothing to return the phone call and find out what asshole is messing with me.

AND im depressed, again.



Mood: creeped the fuck out
 
 


 
  2002.06.08  23.10


down and depressed again. this is becoming more and more frequent which upsets me all the more. no underlying reasons for this. just end up being upset all the fuckin time.



Mood: depressed
 
 


 
  2002.06.06  17.16


i am



what sexual performer are you?


you are perverted. in a way. not only do you celebrate excess but you find ways of making everything exquisite. you like pool parties, lots of skin and other gatherings that turn into bachanallian bliss. you're a humanist with near inhuman carnal desires. more often than not you're breed are predicted to rot in hell, so sayeth television evangelists. satan reserves a seat for you.

you won't demure from an orgy if invited and you never cease the search for new contorted bodily pleasures. the party-animal in you could smell the scent of sex from a mile. you say yes to occasional bdsm and say no to bestiality. you are not that low.



Mood: sexy
 
 


 
  2002.06.01  16.09


well....im weezing and coughing once again. yay.

 
 


 
  2002.05.30  17.27


so incredibly depressed. i feel like im stuck back in high school im 16 and for the life of me i ...cant...stop...crying. we're talkin insane waterworks here. i miss charlie so much. i miss that part of me thats ALWAYS there to cheer me up...even tho im with him i dont usually need it. my heart is somewhere between my knees and my ankle stings because i just cut six times. it was the only place i could think of. unlike years ago there will be bandaids so no on sees because i dont want them interfering. i want to be alone. but i dont. i want charlie so bad.

 
 


 
  2002.05.29  20.40


im sitting here watching Abres Los Ojos (Open Your Eyes)-the original vanilla sky, in spanish, and im feeling depressed for some reason. i dont really know why. i just am. maybe its the whole thing with charlie, but i dont think it is. i just feel really out of it for some unknown reason.



Mood: discontent
 
 


 
  2002.05.26  11.26


what i got back from charlie this morning....along with tears....

I know the last few weeks i've not been myself... there's alot of negative thoughts been going through my thoughts... I didn't begin to think when i kept you from those negative energy that it would mean i would lose you... I didn't want you to know what is going on over here, because i didn't want the negativity to get you... you are alot happier since the days that you were down... i didn't want to be the one who feed you to it... but it still happened... and now the cards are on the table more or less... so here's what's been going down... since i lost my job over at the candle factory, there's been alot of dissappointment coming from my family... especially from my mother. I never felt that from her... and it tears me up... when i lost hanna's i lost one of the major things, because it was my great cash flow... so i am struggling to get enough money saved up to be out there in august... and that was tearing me up... because as the way it looks now money wise, i don't think i'll make it out there until mid september... and i didn't want to tell you that because i thought i was protecting you... and i began to sell alot more to make more money so i would be out there in august... i had a plan, but there was too many minor set backs and i didn't have the heart or the balls to break your heart... and that's something that i'll never have... and i knew something was going to happen but i thought it was going to be something different... i'd rather be shot, or worse than to lose the girl i love the most... but this guy should be thankful that he's got a girl like you.... know matter what happens, i love you... but i shouldn't be caring on further, it will just destory me to continue... *looks deep into your eyes* i love you babe.... and i'm sorry that i did you wrong....

love you,

Charles



why do all the best one try to *protect* you by lying? why do they think THAT is the right thing to do? because it ISNT the right thing to do! you can't LIE or KEEP THE TRUTH and put it off as *protecting* someone. how crazy is that logic?

i love charlie so much but i cant bear to be with someone who's going to lie to me...lie to me and pass it off like cas did...as protecting someone from heartbreak. cuz now my heart is broken...and protecting me didnt get much of anywhere did it?



Mood: depressed
 
 


 
  2002.05.25  20.17


*just cries*



Mood: crushed
 
 


 
  2002.05.25  20.07
*sniffles*

*sighs* i just sent this to charlie.

Dear Charlie,

It’s been really rough for me being torn apart from you these last couple weeks, and not being able to talk to you has given me some time to be on my own. I’ve been going out with this guy, Damon, and though it isn’t leading to anything, it’s nice to be able to go out with someone and snuggle with someone and have sex with someone who is around and can call me and talk to me when I want him to. I’ve been going over this all day in my mind, and even though I still love you with all that is in me, I have to bring myself to end this relationship with you. I don’t think I can stand to be apart from you and not know when I ever may see you, or if it will work, or anything like that. I don’t like not knowing if you’re in danger or if you’re dead or if you’re in jail…and I don’t like that those things are even possible. You and I have been friends since my head was scraping bottom and I have always loved and appreciated you, but, sadly, my patience is being tried now that I’ve found out I may not be able to be with you at all this summer or, possibly, ever.
One of the things that has most upset me these last couple of weeks is that you won’t tell me what’s going on in your life. You say that you don’t want to burden me, or get me involved with your problems, but I am your girlfriend and I know that I have a right to know what’s going on with you. I feel like you don’t trust me when you tell me those things, even though you tell me that you do. Telling me one thing and doing another is enough to drive any person crazy, and that’s a big part of why I just cannot continue this relationship. I also hate that you’re so far away and I can’t hold you and protect you and physically love you, and I can’t know, for sure, that you’ll always be in my life if and when you come to see me.
Not wanting to prolong this any further, I’ll simply let this end here. I would have called you to tell you there, but you’re never home, and it’s impossible to find time to talk to you if you’re never around. I still love you, Charlie, don’t get me wrong…and I hope someday you will forgive me for letting you go.

-Allison-



Mood: sad
 
 


 
  2002.05.25  10.09


ive been thinking of breaking up with charlie. there are so many reasons...im just so angry at him its mindboggling. so, lemme see if i can write out the reasons...figure out where im going with this.

1. he's in trouble...
2. he won't tell me why, how, with who he's in trouble...only that he is...
3. he lost his job and can't seem to get another one...
4. he can't come out this summer like he promised
5. he's long distance...and that is so difficult
6. at this rate i may never see him...after all its been two years since we met...but we havent "met" yet.
7. i'm getting sick of this long distance thing...
8. he's too busy with his troubles to call me...one of our only communications...
9. he tells me he loves me but thats the only way i can tell that he does...

at this rate, i dont really know what to do. i hate how people make promises...or give their word, and then break it. it gets under my skin and really bothers me. but i dont know if i can bring myself to end it either. cuz i do love him. *sigh*



Mood: confused
 
 


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